living with open hands.

living with open hands...  there has just been so much to ponder on lately... i almost wonder where to start, how to begin..                                     *deep pause*
this morning i went in to take the sat. a had a panic attack a moment before, when i heard how long it was going to be. i just didn't feel prepared, i felt discouraged, i felt embarrassed, almost, for what reason i'm not quite sure. i laugh now as i think of my whispered conversation with my mum- "i can't do this!" "yes, you can!" "can i just wait until December?! PLEASE?!" "i would really like you to do this today, if you can." "but i can't!" "let's pray." so we prayed. and i had to go in. i felt like crying at first because i was i just so- i'm not sure how to express it. it wasn't really fear of the test... it was fear of the unknown. i saw a few familiar faces from over the years, which were a small comfort. my mum let me know later that they had prayed for me all morning. i know the materials were much easier because of that alone. but there was a reason there was a feeling in the pit of my stomach. with what little extra time i had i found myself wondering over the lives of the other students, and prayed for my test, their tests, and their lives. this inner peace just flooded over me. "praying in a classroom, G-d?! honestly?" i could honestly see Him smile. the nerves were gone.  the material was easy to understand and complete.

my atmosphere often has an effect, positively or negatively, on how i carry myself. this atmosphere was no different- and i don't know if G-d decided that i needed a new mindset on the blessing of being homeschooled under my own mum's watchful eye, or if He just wanted me to experience His blessing in that cold classroom, but it has been a beautiful, beautiful day.

i like to live in my own little world where things go wrong in my comfort zone. it takes such a gracious, wonderful, good G-d, to pull me out of it little by little, and open my eyes and hands to to the darkness He's appointed. so many times i will catch myself choosing to run.. somewhere else.. anywhere else- Tarshish, as Jonah perhaps did, just to avoid looking that person in the eye when i am told to. i don't know how many times i have regretted it. and there are times i would rather cry then go up to someone and say, "excuse me, but may i please pray for you?" i can choose to just not look around me. 

a song my Abba has only recently made dear to my heart is by Sara Groves, titled "Open Hands." and there is a deeply, deeply influential line in that song, i am nodding my head an emphatic 'yes' to all that You have for me... 

i've been singing it every day. however, being the silly little person i am (who enjoys being in her own little world, wouldntchaknowit) didn't actually realize how much that applied to "my" life.  is life really mine? do i really and seriously even think that i (as a silly little person) control what He has given me? i want to hurt when He hurts... i want to see what He sees and hear what He hears. i pray every day to live with open hands and an open heart.

...to ALL that You have for me... ah, may i say, "Here i am, L-rd... send me." 

"Wherever G-d puts you, preach the Gospel." -Arnold Pent