Taking Myself Out
Taking “actress + model @ ______” out of my instagram bio.
Taking “actress + model @ ____” out of my Instagram bio.
I’ve had that phrase there for the last six years. Last week, my contract just ended. I thought back to the two years prior when I had signed with them. Where my life was at. That this was truly and really my future. Actress, model. For lack of a better word, it was a definition. You know, sister, daughter, teacher, actress, writer, model. Defined in a single phrase and word.
And then I had to stop going to acting class for a season. I remember tearing up on the phone with a dear friend during one of my last drives home, with the reminder from them that they had a feeling God was going to be putting my energy into different things. I had sensed the same thing. But the red carpet…the front of the camera lens…I felt like myself there.
But…that was always “MY” thing. As in, forever. I had representation. I knew going into any shoot or circumstance, I was already repped well - five feet ten inches of wispy wonder in each job. Clients loved me. My agency was proud to have me on their roster of talent. I was proud to have them. This time right now is the first time since I was sixteen I haven’t had any foot in the L.A. industry. No films coming out. No shoots on my schedule. No product to promote. Music coming out, yes; but that’s a new venture.
What happened to me? Did I grow up? Was I, at twenty-three, already “too old” for an industry that constantly threatened to chew and spit one out in the same gulp? Did my slight forehead wrinkle from one too many lessons taught come to life just a touch too darkly on my latest headshots?
Surprisingly, I felt no pangs of shame or guilt of not being quite “good enough” when I received the email that my contract was not being renewed this season. They knew I was doing great things; they told me keep in touch; there was no worry. For a brief moment…was it pride? I felt a touch of something that said, “But why?!” And then the other 97% of me said, “It’s time.”
Not ever time to completely stop working in an industry that has done so much for me, that I have had the privilege to say I’ve truly made a difference in; not that. But, perhaps, time for a new season, where God is repping me instead. It’s the best place to be.
But the red carpet…the front of the camera lens…I felt like myself there.
By no means does this mean I’m no longer taking acting and modeling and writing jobs on. In fact, I feel like this frees me up to take on more. This statement ^ is not past tense. I feel like myself in these places still. The experience is there. The work ethic is there. Come July, I’m about to have time on my hands now more than ever. And I know my incredible experiences are contributing to something in the not so very distance future. I can feel the tension building; and I’m realizing yet again that I’m very much at peace with the not necessarily knowing.
A piece of me knew opening the slip of paper that said my contract was up…that it was coming. In fact, I thought it might be just a few short weeks ago. But those things, taking up space on my short IG bio..are taking up space in my heart where it has other places and times and definitions to truly breathe in and receive. Significance in other areas, spiritual, physical? I’ll let you decide.
Taking in. Being aware. Taking myself out. It’s going to be a good season.