To the Chronic Over-Apologizer
Stop saying, “I’m sorry.” “Stop apologizing.” I’ve been told this my entire life, but until I was actually able to stop and hear myself one day a year or two ago, I realized that half of the time I was apologizing for existing, not because I was actually truly sorry. It takes time, energy, and work (I’ve been re-wiring this part of my brain for what feels like forever), but here’s three places where I’ve heard the words drop out of my mouth…& what to say instead.
1. “I’m Sorry” as a Means of Empathy or Compassion.
While it’s kind to express compassion, apologizing for the random happenings of the world is unnecessary and avoidable. It creates a feeling of responsibility within you when you didn’t in fact cause the traffic. There are other ways to demonstrate understanding and to create rapport.
“That’s frustrating.” “I can understand why you’re irritated,” or “That’s a lot to deal with on top of everything else!” can help connect.
2. “I’m Sorry” as a Means of Keeping Peace.
This is the one I struggle with. Women from an early age are taught to be nurturing, agreeable, and generally to rock the boat as little as possible. Using “sorry” to maintain harmony from an emotional or even a social perspective after a confrontation might feel like the comfortable thing to do, but again it implies responsibility. Confrontation, when appropriate and respectful, isn’t bad! Learning this has been one of the key parts of my life - because most of the time, people DO have different perspectives and it’s all about communication. If we all thought the same way, we wouldn’t have half of the beauty and creativity that takes place in the world.
However, sometimes we can apologize for opening up so deeply to someone that we are aware of putting them in a place where we don’t expect them to WANT to go, even if they’ve expressed that they do. What these listeners and supporters need to hear instead of “sorry” is “thank you!” Gratitude is much more welcome. Imagine you listening to someone pour out their heart and soul & then hearing, “I’m sorry.” You would reassure them that you’re there for them & no apologies are necessary. Give yourself the same grace!
The next time you feel compelled to apologize for an uncomfortable moment, try, “Thank you for listening.” “What I’m about to say might feel a bit controversial, but…” or “I appreciate the thoughts on this, what do you think about…” You can move the conversation elsewhere if necessary.
3. “I’m Sorry” without Telling Why.
Sometimes apologies are necessary. But because we are almost taught to naturally use “sorry” as a form of courtesy so much so that it can become flippant, it can come to mean less and less. I’ve found a key to apologizing less is to ensure that I express my reasons for my sorry. A sincere apology is more effective coupled along with the reasoning.
The more we own our apology, the less it owns us. That’s something worth celebrating.