it's november, I breathed as I sat down. it's been a little over a year. time to collect my thoughts and write this. 

"Whatever You want, Lord... I surrender that." I prayed those words as I kneeled on my yoga mat, face pressed to the floor, tears trickling down my cheeks. I prayed them with the sincerity of heart and brokenness of spirit that He speaks of. I was desperate to find Him in anything. About two months later, that submission become full and complete as I embarked on the adventure He had in store for me when He so graciously told me no, and my heart broke in the process.

I found it funny, ironic almost, that, as I flipped through a journal penned by my fourteen or fifteen year old self as I sat in streaming sunlight filtering through an apartment window, four simple words in a prayer. " Jesus, break my heart." 

Because all of my life, I had (have) been- you know- that girl. The six year old who dreamed of finding my person, at which tender age my mum and I started praying for "him"  together. I always thought I gave Jesus the keys to that., but inside my soul there was this searching wonder or..what one might call even fear? It's fascinating to the very core of my being that I knew that I knew that I knew I had given this to Him..but really, and truly, I hadn't.
Yeah. I was that girl. That call to love and be loved initiated and entwined to my soul.

But there's something about giving Him our all (again and again and again) that leaves us refreshed, renewed, changed from the inside out.

In all sincerity, something just didn't sit right all of last summer. Certainly, I wanted things to work. The person I thought I "found" (or who had "found" me) wanted things to work. We prayed the right prayer of the Lord closing and opening doors as He saw fit, and saw nothing but green lights- for a time.

Let me break off a moment to clarify this thought: I don't think I understand the notion behind people saying that a relationship that didn't work was not in the Lord's will. Because to be honest, if my Savior had not broken my spirit and my heart to such a point that it was fully surrendered to Him, I would not be sitting here at this keyboard, typing this words, pouring out my heart. This may have been a much more difficult story, laced with and perhaps tinged with regret and wondering. I would not have seen what I have seen, met who I have met, and experienced what I believe was the Lord reinstilling in my heart what I have known all along- His purpose for me. I see different things from this other person's life, and I am happy for them- thrilled for them- that Jesus so clearly is calling them in this direction, and that they are living their dream. I am living mine. 

I learned. And I think that's where the submission came into play. I used to wonder to myself, "Why would God allow me to go through this..agony?" I felt on my own, though I look back at this moment and see how Jesus lifted me and carried me. So many of the heroes and hidden heroes in the Bible (I'm thinking specifically of David at this moment) wrote to the Lord this question. This, my friends. This is where Satan attacks and destroys and breaks down- in marriages. In churches. In families. In relationships. In life itself, when one thinks one is going through something new and alone.

In a relationship where everything seemed "so right" on surface value, there were things that our two families saw that we did not. And I can say without a shadow of a doubt right here and right now, that I can praise God for the gift of my parents in my life. More than a few people asked, " Well, Sierra- why didn't you guard your heart? Isn't that what the Bible says to do? You might not be in so much pain if you did."  
It pricked me. The Bible clearly spells out that we're supposed to guard our hearts. I guarded my heart. But I love without bounds. I loved without bounds throughout my whole life, and there were no limitations.
However, last fall, I built walls that weren't going to let many in too easily. Early spring and summer, Jesus brought me into a group (shoutout to my L.A. Huggers with AMTC) and tore those walls apart, brick by crumbling brick.
I'm actually tearing up as I write this at this moment. Because this is the grace of our God.

My point in this "guarding your heart" segment is simply this: when you give consent to be "in a relationship," whether that be a deep friendship, or in the literal sense of the word, you are giving full consent to be vulnerable.

Yeah! To be vulnerable. (Is there a consent form I just did not know about?) God did not intend for us to walk alone, and gives us so many examples of vulnerability in relationships in His Word- David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, etc. These people were vulnerable with each other. Guarding your heart entails not letting any lies of the enemy to penetrate it, and to have that guard, we must be completely and utterly nothing less than steeped in the Word of God.

 So, that prayer prayed by my fourteen year old self that ended up written in a journal to now? God answered that. He answered that. And He provided healing from that concern that someday I may not "find my person." That, along with my life, has been completely and passionately surrendered to His will. While I'm excited for that man to waltz into my life whenever He sees fit, and whether that's already happened or not, my first and foremost desire is to be in the center of His will. There has been that healing from the mistrust, the healing from the hurt, the healing of the wondering.
And though I may question sometimes...there has been a sweet reminder that pulses through my veins that I am His child. He is truly the One my soul longs for. And I'm so thankful for the fact that His answers are wiser than my hopes and prayers ever were, or ever will be.

Here, I can be free to share my heart, love without bounds, and explore the infinite wonder and beauty of the One who created me this way, with this story in mind. Here, there is freedom.